There's something that bothers me about most parenting books and advice. It's not that they're necessarily wrong—it's that they speak with exclamation marks when I prefer what I call "hesitation words."
You know what I mean. Those books that tell you exactly what to do, when to do it, and how your child will respond. The ones that make sweeping declarations about child development like they've discovered the secret formula for every family.
Here's the thing: everybody will have an opinion about how you should parent, and you can't make everybody happy all the time. You have to stay true to yourself and look inward to see what clicks, what works, what feels right.
The Problem with Parenting Advice Culture
I believe in those moments when you find an explanation and everything makes sense. Everything starts looking right, feeling right. That's where you go. But most parenting advice doesn't respect that process—it assumes one size fits all.
The biggest issue I have with books, TV shows, and self-appointed advisers is that they tend to speak with certainty where I believe we need more nuance. Even when I'm sharing strategies, I try not to decide for other people because I don't want anybody deciding for me.
Facts vs. Opinions: Learning the Difference
I state facts as facts. The gravitational force of Earth is 9.8 meters per second squared. If I've read that language develops in the human brain at a certain process, the fact that it's written in a book is a fact.
But here's what I can tell you from experience: not all kids will develop that way. It's helpful to know what the middle ground is, what the common denominator is. That's how I approach advice.
My Framework for Evaluating Advice
When I encounter parenting advice—whether from books, experts, or well-meaning relatives—I want them to respect me, my voice, my thoughts, my belief system, and the fact that I don't have to accept whatever they say 100%.
What I Look For:
1. Clear Assumptions
I want to understand what assumptions the advice is based on. What are the underlying beliefs? Do they make sense to me? Do they fit my family?
2. Logical Reasoning
It's not enough that the assumptions are alright. They have to actually lead to the conclusion. Don't beat around the bush—show me the logical path.
3. Room for Individual Differences
The best advice acknowledges that families are different and gives you permission to adapt rather than demanding strict adherence.
Permission to Sample
I totally give myself permission to sample books. Leaf through them, take a little bit here, a little bit there. If I only want to take parts away, that's just as good as reading the whole thing.
You are not obligated to implement every piece of advice you encounter. Sometimes the value is in understanding different perspectives, even if you don't adopt the specific strategies.
This approach isn't just for parenting advice. I once took "Rich Dad Poor Dad" from the library and couldn't get through it. I found it extremely repetitive without adding new information after about page 15. I know people rave about it and the ideas are solid, but I was done early on.
But here's what happened: my son, in his early teens, took the book and read it completely. He had no problem with the style. He was very interested and asked me to find a place where we could play Cash Flow—the board game Robert Kiyosaki created.
I found a location, we went and played, enjoyed it so much we found another location and played again. Eventually, we bought the game ourselves.
I was okay with not reading the book front to back, even though it's considered "good" with solid ideas. I didn't find it helpful personally. Why force myself? But I could still extract value from the concept and find a way to engage with the ideas that worked for our family.
Real Examples: When Advice Didn't Fit
The Baby Signs Experiment
When our firstborn was a few months old, I bought books to help navigate new parenthood. I was extremely excited about baby signs—a communication system you develop with your baby before they can talk.
Until I realized my kid was way too busy to spend time creating sign language with me. He was quite communicative, and we were very attentive. We understood enough of what he wanted that he didn't need much from us.
Both my kids were early developers. Life was running away from them, and they were catching up. We didn't have time for communication systems that felt unnecessary for our particular situation.
But here's the key: I enjoyed reading the book. I read it front to back, gave it a try, realized it didn't fit us, but I listened to what they said about being attentive. Then I gave myself permission to not be perfect and figured out that while sign language with children is really cute, it wasn't going to happen in our life.
The Sleep Training Reality Check
I got a book about child sleep from a pediatrician specializing in pediatric sleep issues. Main points: sleep schedules are critically important, babies need tons of sleep, don't let them get up to feed after they're big enough not to need it, and use the "5-minute system" to teach them to fall asleep alone.
With our first child: One night and done. Worked perfectly.
With our second child: We tried one night, two nights, three nights, five nights. It wasn't going to work. That kid was not going to do the 5-minute system.
We had to sit in his room and help him go to sleep night after night until he was ready to let it go. We developed a different system where I started sitting right next to him, then every night moved away bit by bit until I was in the doorway, then finally left him to fall asleep alone.
I later found out Super Nanny explained a similar method, but we came to it on our own because we paid attention to what our specific child needed.
The People Factor
When evaluating parenting advice, remember you're not alone in this process. There are other people involved—mainly your spouse and your children. Sometimes, there simply is no fit between the advice and your family's reality.
The advice might be sound, but it might not be right for your situation. That doesn't make you a failure—it makes you a thoughtful parent who pays attention to your family's unique needs.
Questions to Ask Before Following Advice
- Does this align with my family's values and lifestyle?
- What assumptions is this advice based on, and do they apply to my situation?
- Is there room for modification, or does it require strict adherence?
- How does my child typically respond to new routines or expectations?
- What does my parental instinct tell me about this approach?
Trust Your Instincts While Staying Open
You always have to be ready to re-challenge everything. Nothing should be set in stone unless it's proven to work for your family. The goal isn't to reject all advice—it's to develop critical thinking skills to evaluate what serves your family and what doesn't.
Your parenting journey is unique. The combination of your child's temperament, your family's circumstances, and your parenting style creates a situation no book can perfectly address. The best advice respects that reality and gives you tools to think through decisions rather than telling you exactly what to do.
Remember: you're literally evolved for this parenting thing. Trust yourself, stay curious, and don't be afraid to sample widely while committing selectively.
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