Nobody ever told me I'd feel emotional gratification from my son's tears after a talking to. Actually, I didn't even know this was happening to me until our second son wouldn't cry. I still remember how it felt—the need to see him break so I could get it over with, and the shocking realization that something was very wrong with the entire scene.
So, yes, one of my kids taught me that I was parenting for my own emotional needs, and it was hurting both my children.
Two Sons, Two Revelations
I had two very different children who taught me something uncomfortable about myself as a parent.
My firstborn was hyper-responsive. He reacted to everything—a stern look, any sign of displeasure. When we disciplined him, tears came immediately. He'd crumble, show remorse, and I'd feel... satisfied. The situation felt resolved.
My second son was different. He had what I called an "ultra-strong backbone." When we disciplined him, he'd stand there unfazed. No tears. No visible remorse. Just acceptance and compliance.
And it drove me absolutely crazy.
The Uncomfortable Truth: I Was Seeking Emotional Validation
Here's what I discovered happening in my brain:
With my sensitive child:
- Child misbehaves
- I discipline
- Child cries/shows visible remorse
- I feel satisfied that "the message got through"
- I calm down and we move on
With my strong-willed child:
- Child misbehaves
- I discipline
- Child stands there calmly
- I don't get my emotional "payoff"
- I escalate, seeking the reaction I'm craving
One day I found myself standing over my second child, my brain screaming "STOP" while my mouth kept going and my emotions demanded "GO STRONGER." I had to physically force myself to walk away.
But here's the kicker: when I observed my son afterward, he'd actually changed the behavior. The discipline had worked. He just hadn't given me the emotional display I was unconsciously seeking.
What My "Backbone" Kid Taught Me About Discipline
My realization hit like a truck:
- My child didn't owe me tears to prove discipline was effective
- My child didn't need to crumble to show he'd learned
- Most importantly: I was disciplining for MY emotional needs, not his growth
This meant I was doing the same thing to my sensitive child—I just didn't notice because he was giving me what I wanted.
The Hidden Dangers of Emotional Validation in Discipline
When we unconsciously seek emotional feedback during discipline, we're:
Making Discipline About Us, Not Them: Prioritizing our need to feel effective over their need to learn with dignity intact.
Teaching Them to Perform Emotionally: Sensitive children learn to give us the reaction we want, not process their actual feelings.
Creating Unhealthy Power Dynamics: Essentially saying "you haven't been punished enough until I feel better about this."
Using Emotions as Shortcuts: Assuming tears mean understanding, when they might just mean overwhelm.
The False Validation Trap
I was using emotional feedback to tell myself my child "got it." With my sensitive child, tears meant understanding in my head. What I learnt from his brother was that all they meant was that my child was crying, I didn't know what he took away at all.
With my second son, I had to insistent on making do with verbal confirmation in order to put the all thing to rest.
As a result, one day, after disciplining him, I asked, "So you learned something from this?" He said "yes." "And what did you understand?" His response completely derailed me. He looked at me seriously and said "A lesson!"
I was so shocked I lost all concentration and forgot the entire situation. Yeah, that was a total flop.
What Healthy Discipline Actually Looks Like
Effective discipline should change behavior and build character—not make us feel validated. Healthy discipline includes:
Clear, Calm Communication: State the problem, consequence, and expectation once
Validate Your Own Feelings: Be descriptive about behavior without making it personal
Trust Without Validation: Trust your message landed even without tears
Focus on Behavior Change: Measure success by whether behavior changes, not how sorry they seem
Respect Their Processing Style: Some kids process internally, need time, or don't wear hearts on sleeves
Signs You Might Be Disciplining for Your Own Emotional Needs
Ask yourself honestly:
- Do you feel unsatisfied when your child accepts discipline calmly?
- Do you find yourself repeating points until you get an emotional reaction?
- Do you escalate when your child seems "not sorry enough"?
- Do you feel more "successful" when your child cries during discipline?
- Do you judge other parents whose children don't seem emotional enough during consequences?
What About Sensitive Children?
My sensitive child deserved better than being my emotional validation source. Just because he naturally gave me tears and remorse didn't make it healthy. I was inadvertently:
- Rewarding his emotional distress
- Teaching him that his worth was tied to my emotional satisfaction
- Creating anxiety around making mistakes
- Modeling that love is conditional on the "right" emotional response
The Bottom Line: Discipline Should Serve Them, Not Us
Every child—sensitive, stoic, dramatic, or somewhere in between—deserves discipline that serves their growth, not our emotional needs.
If your child gives you tears and remorse, don't let that become your validation source. If your child stands strong and processes internally, don't try to break them down to make yourself feel better.
Effective parenting isn't about getting the reaction you want. It's about giving your child what they need to grow into a healthy, responsible human being.
Related Posts:
- Strategic Response Tools: Complete Parenting Guide
- The One-Time Rule: Permission to Survive First
- The Popcorn Method: Stay Calm During Tantrums
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