A Simple Idea That Changed Our Daily Routine
When my boys were toddlers, I found a simple idea in "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" that made our daily routines smoother. Not some dramatic transformation - just practical, make-life-easier changes.
The idea? Give toddlers choices throughout their day.
It sounds basic, but here's what I discovered: this wasn't just about teaching decision-making skills. It was about understanding what toddlers desperately need - A sense of control over their world.
You can even start this with babies who aren't talking yet. Hold up two toys and see which one they reach for. Offer a toy and a pacifier. They'll show you what they want.
Why Parents Resist Giving Toddler Choices
My first instinct wasn't to give my kids choices. They'd been babies minutes ago, and calling the shots myself was easier.
But I was thinking about choices from an adult perspective. What car to buy? Whether to stay up late? Most adult choices are way too big for toddlers.
They need tiny choices that seem insignificant to us but matter enormously to them.
Here's the key difference: adults are result-oriented. Kids aren't. Their choices don't need to be either.
If eating fruit is non-negotiable, let them choose the plate or where to sit. One parenting book had a perfect example: "Do you want to walk or hop to the bath?" The bath happens either way, but the child controls how they get there.
As adults, we get fixated on the fact that the end result stays the same. If someone offered us these choices, we'd be insulted. "Walk or hop to the meeting? Are you kidding?" That's why giving these choices feels hard at first - we're projecting our adult perspective.
But for kids, the process IS the point. They're not insulted by small choices - they're thrilled.
Why Toddlers Fight Everything You Say
Think about your toddler's day. You take them everywhere. You tell them what to do constantly. You choose their clothes, brush their teeth, wash them up. They're learning to feed themselves. They can't read, turn on the TV, or cook. They can barely open the fridge.
They ask permission for everything.
What do they want most? To be grown-ups. They want control over something - anything - in their day.
My kids weren't being difficult just to be difficult. They were desperate for autonomy in their world where I controlled everything.
How to Give Toddlers Choices That Work
I started when my boys were around 2 - old enough to be verbal and understand complex interactions. But remember, you can begin much earlier with preverbal babies.
I kept it simple: give two choices, make sure I'm happy with both options.
I recently saw a clip of a father doing this beautifully with his 4-year-old at bath time. He asked "shower or bath?" and held up his hands like buttons for the kid to press. Then "warm water or hot water?" - more hand pressing. "This toy or that toy?" The kid was totally engaged, just tapping dad's palms to make each choice.
Here are the types of choices that worked:
Morning routine:
- "Do you want to put your socks on sitting down or standing up?"
- "Should we brush teeth first or get dressed first?"
Snack time:
- "Do you want to eat your snack on the red plate or the blue plate?"
- "Should we eat at the table or on the picnic blanket?"
Bedtime:
- "Do you want to walk to your room or hop like a bunny?"
- "Should we turn on the nightlight or keep it off?"
The magic wasn't in the choices themselves. It was giving my kids that sensation of control.
When Toddlers Get Creative With Choices
My second son taught me kids can be creative with the choice system.
I'd say, "Do you want to go to the beach or the pool this weekend?" "I want to go to the fun park." "That wasn't a choice." "But that's what I want."
He was a little boss. Still is.
I had to sit him down for a talk. Adding his own choices was fine - sometimes we'd say yes to his third option. But not listening when we said his choice wasn't possible was creating friction and costing him privileges.
The key lesson: stick to your two options. They can suggest more - it shows they're thinking - but you decide if the new option works.
What Changed When We Started Using Choices
Once we found our rhythm, daily life became smoother. Not perfect, but easier.
- Fewer battles over getting dressed
- Less resistance to routine tasks
- Kids felt more cooperative because they had some control
- I felt less like the "mean mom" always saying no
The best part? Kids respond to this lightning fast. You don't need weeks of consistency to see results.
How Toddler Choices Build Future Decision-Making
My thinking was simple: if I wanted to raise adults who could make good decisions, they needed practice. You can't wait until they're 16 to suddenly say, "Okay, start making decisions."
By the time my boys were 15, they owned their lives and their choices. The early practice with small decisions built the foundation for bigger ones later.
Getting Started with Toddler Choice Strategy
This isn't mission-critical operations - just try it. It's great to plan ahead, but shooting from the hip works too.
If you feel tensions rising, consider giving a choice that's appropriate for the moment.
A few things that helped us:
- Pick one routine where you'll offer choices
- Make sure you're genuinely okay with both options before you offer them
- They can suggest more options, but you decide if they work
- Let them live with their choice (but you're still the parent)
About living with choices: You still have to be the mother here. I would never argue with a toddler insisting on staying in pajamas or not wearing a coat. I'd simply take a change of clothes or the coat with me. If they regret their choice, I let them live with it for an age-appropriate amount of time. Then fix it.
This approach is completely nonbinding. Giving a choice today doesn't commit you to that choice tomorrow. At all.
Why Simple Choices Work for Toddlers
When you offer developmentally-appropriate choices, you avoid power struggles and nurture independence. Benefits include improved confidence, better cooperation, and a stronger sense of self.
But here's the most important reason for toddlers: they have very little control in their lives. That desire for control isn't going away.
We can fight it and make everyone miserable. Or we can work with it and make life easier for everyone.
Pick something simple where you genuinely don't care which option they choose. Maybe it's which cup they drink from or which socks they wear.
You might be surprised how much smoother your day becomes when your toddler feels like they have some control over their world.
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